| Studies in Buddhism |
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| 09:49pm 02/10/2005 |
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mood:  ecstatic
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Didn't want to clutter up my main journal any more than it already is with my spiritual jibba-jabba (foo'). Oh dear, you know it's bad when I'm making Mister T references. >_<
Anyway, a post at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) tibetanbuddhism directed me to the site http://www.onmarkproductions.com - a site I've seen many times in my search for information on Buddhism and dragons. As usual, I decided to go exploring on the site, when I decided to check out the section on Tibetan thangkas (a kind of painting). Oh, I can barely describe the sense of understanding and familiarity I felt when I read the description of the six states of existance! I'm not even sure I can describe what I originally began to post for; the pieces just literally all fell together. My existance makes a lot more sense now. Vajrayana makes a lot more sense now. Tantra even makes more sense.
To have read, understood, absorbed, and felt all of this, I am left elated. I have a past, a present, and a goal now. It all fits. I know (generally, but still a lot more than I had) what it is I am to do. |
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3 attempts - Psychoanalyze |
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| Umm... confused? |
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| 12:54am 14/04/2005 |
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mood:  confused
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Yeah, I didn't want to clutter up my normal journal with this; besides, I wasn't sure what kind of reaction I'd get. I felt like writing it somewhere, though, so here it is.
I'm somewhat confused. I'm asexual, which means I'm not attracted to either gender. I've yet to find anything that turns me on, really. The other day, though, I felt something. No, it wasn't sexual, but it was still an attraction I've not felt yet. I've actually noticed it for the past month or so, but it gets stronger every day.
This attraction is, as one might expect, to Eastern-type dragons. Again, it's not sexual (I've always been extremely repulsed by sexual stuff of any kind), but it's definitely there. I'm not really sure - is this the way it feels to love? I just want to sit beside them, talk, and maybe even snuggle, which is something that has DEFINITELY never happened before; I always used to be fairly repulsed by even that.
I'm getting weird feelings! ACK! |
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Psychoanalyze |
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| Revelations and Enlightenment |
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| 11:23am 08/04/2005 |
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mood:  peaceful music: Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear the Reaper
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So yeah, I was checking out this website, www.khandro.net, when, as I read their little bit on tantra, I realized part of why I may be human. I was afraid of this realization, because I feared that it might mean that, if I were to use tantra to change myself (one of its primary purposes), that there would only be two outcomes: enlightenment, or being a dragon. It was presented on that site as the same sort of thing as when a snake is trapped in a bamboo shoot: they can only go one way or the other, without knowing which is which until they get there; one is up to enlightenment, while the other is down to "hell", for lack of better words. It made me afraid, and worried. I wasn't sure what to do.
So I did the only thing I could think of: I consulted Buddha.
Okay, so I didn't really consult with the real Buddha, and I realize an effigy is just that, but it helps me straighten out my thoughts to talk to someone, even (read: especially) if that someone is just an inanimate object. So I asked, why must I choose between enlightenment and being a dragon? This lead me to a realization: the desire to be a dragon was an obstacle, and probably the biggest one I'd ever face. This led to a large chain of realizations, that basically ended with me realizing that, if I work with the desire and learn from it instead of trying to oust it (this is basic Buddhist and tantric teaching), I might be able to achieve both draconity and enlightenment. I mean, it's not like there haven't been any enlightened dragons out there (I can't remember their names, but they're fairly famous in many texts).
I think I was given this body for one of many possible reasons: one, because I didn't quite understand many of the desires humans felt, nor why they'resuch the obstacle people claim them to be; because I let my guard down during one of the times I was protecting the religion, and given this experience to deal with as a result; because I needed to figure these things out without being able to ask anyone if I'm correct.
I thanked Buddha for the teaching gratuitously, and probably should have thanked Padmasambhava as well, but didn't know how to do the latter properly.
This revelation helped me a lot, and made me quite happy. |
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Psychoanalyze |
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| 04:29pm 14/03/2005 |
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Rawr, I have my dad on AIM again. He's currently in Milwaulkee.
And I want to tell him so many things so badly it's killing me.
I wish I knew the way to approach him with all this.
They are coming down here in two weeks, and I don't want it to be all that awkward, but I know he's going to try and get me to get a girl, and mom's going to probably follow suit. Then I'd explode and just tell them everything right then and there, and it would be torture for the rest of their trip.
*whimper* |
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1 attempt - Psychoanalyze |
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| 01:26pm 12/03/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative music: X OST - eX Dream
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Looking back now, you'd have thought it was fairly obvious I was a Tibetan dragon.
At about seven years of age, I remember having a dream in which I could fly. I also remember thinking quite often how there had to be a way one could "swim" through air, since it's really only an "ocean" of gas.
When I was about the same age, probably a bit older, my parents told me that my lineage included French, English, Spanish, and Indian. I immediately interpreted "Indian" as "someone from India", and was so excited about such a prospect that I'd look at maps by myself and say "that's where my ancestors came from!" That is, of course, until my parents clarified they meant American Indian, or Native American.
I always liked dragons, but I prefered Oriental-types to the more traditional and common Western, and not because they were associated with karate films and such (in fact, I almost always hated those kind of movies).
Sorry, just pondering to myself; it's Spring Break, and I'm stuck in Socorro with next to nothing to do. I know I need to work on Chibisuke (he only needs his hind legs and he's done), and I should probably organize my room a little better, but other than that, I'm bored as hell. AND I have almost no money; what little money I have, I'm trying to save for AniZona. |
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1 attempt - Psychoanalyze |
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| Ode to Dragon Memory |
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| 09:25pm 11/03/2005 |
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mood: contemplative
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I walk alone the silent streets at night,
for it is only here that peace I find,
and as I stroll, I hope, perchance, I might
observe a glimpse of that within my mind.
A sense of flight, a will of honour, or
perhaps a mem'ry, long forgotten still;
a long-remiss Tibetan troubadour;
for sight of these, I'd cheat, I'd steal, I'd kill.
And as the sky condenses 'round my face,
I stand and smile, with knowledge I have met
what I deem as my only rightful place
and not some silly human marionette.
I gaze up at the sky as down it rains;
this dragon craves release from human pains. |
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Psychoanalyze |
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| 01:02am 17/02/2005 |
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So, I was bored, and decided I'd try and look up what my name might possibly mean. I first found the Tibetan spelling of it, then found an online Tibetan-English dictionary to help. When spelled out properly (ba phyi zhum), the name means "Be outwardly intimidated". I just thought that was really cool, since I've known the name since I was, like, eight, and have always wondered what, if anything, it meant.
 <--Ba phyi zhum
The vest, and thus Reiji outfit, is finished. Chibi is still waiting on his hind legs, and I'm just incredibly busy. That, and I've got no motovation. I need to finish him.
So anyway, where was I in the story of my life? Meh, I can save that for another time. Just felt like divulging where the new background came from. |
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Psychoanalyze |
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| Update on Dragon Drive textile projects |
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| 01:08am 07/02/2005 |
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mood:  tired music: Rob Dougan - Clubbed to Death
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I'm really bloody tired. I need to go to sleep. Like, now.
I spent my free-time today working on Chibisuke and the vest; I decided to go ahead and remake Chibi completely, out of white fleece instead of the nonwoven piece of shi-ite he had been made of. As a result, I got to fix a lot of major f-ups, like the wings. I'm now at the same point I was on the other one (actually, a little farther, since I was going to just re-do the wings on the first), and just need to fashion the hind legs and attach the eyes; once that happens, I'll be done. On the vest, all that needs to be done is the collar; it looks frigging awesome. I mean, dead-on. |
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Psychoanalyze |
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| 11:45pm 23/01/2005 |
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I've not done anything here for a while, so I figured I'd go ahead and do so.
Since nobody reads this, I guess I can go ahead and spoil one of my webcomic ideas: I was going to do a holiday special for the Chinese New Year. It shall be humorous.
Speaking of webcomics, In a Perfect World, my personal favorite, has been revived! I was most certainly not expecting this; it's been a good year since he's done anything with it. The new ones aren't as funny as the older ones, but I can understand that; in fact, I can relate fairly well with lack of material / drawable material. But yeah, I saw that and nearly had a heart attack from shock.
Now, let's see, where did I leave off on my story... ah yes.
My third birthday was one of little consequence, for the most part. My aunt used to design cakes, and had designed one for me with a little road and a few toy cars. In leaning over the table to blow out the candles, however, I accidentally shoved my hand into the cake. It wasn't too terribly deep - just enough to mess up some of the icing, really - but it was enough to warrant laughter from everyone present. I felt so embarassed and ashamed.
My second sister's birth is the second thing I truly remember, and I'm not really sure why. I just remember being in the hospital and being able to hold her for a few seconds, but it was apparently enough to stay in my head.
Remember how I said before that I was reading to my first sister when she was born? Well, she couldn't read for the longest time, but it turned out she had an excellent memory - she'd ask me to read the same book to her over and over, all the time memorizing what words were on what pages. She would then "read" to the second sister.
The next thing I remember is the trip to Disney World we took when I was four. We flew down to Orlando (I think), then stayed at a hotel near the parks. I remember we went inside Spaceship Earth at Epcot, but can't remember what was there. I also remember throwing up in the line for something at MGM Studios - I think it was either "The Making of Roger Rabbit" or a staged Indiana Jones type thing. We rode the Small World ride, of which I was thusly terrified; the Pirates of the Carribean, where my new sister had an accident on my mom's leg; and the Teacup ride. I should remember more, but I really can't.
Stay tuned next time, when we shall discuss my first few years in school, as well as a few of my earlier dreams (as well as nightmares)! |
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Psychoanalyze |
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| 12:25am 21/01/2005 |
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My new short story, entitled "Evil", is complete and entered in the NMT Creative Writing Contest. Last year, I won third place with "The New Guy", so I already have some precidence there. |
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Psychoanalyze |
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| 08:57pm 18/01/2005 |
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mood:  cranky music: Evanescence - Taking Over Me
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BAH!
Stupid thing... the machine messed up Chibi's body, so I gots ta do it all over again. It'll just be the body, though, which is a big relief. Mostly, it was the wings that did it, which doesn't really surprize me much, but the material is also wearing quite thin in many areas from constant re-stuffing attempts to see how I'm coming along. Once I get the new body done, I won't attach everything to it until I get the back legs finished. I'll need a seam ripper to get everything off the craptastic body, but I can just get that from Bobbie's Bobbin. I have to be one of their best customers by this point.
I did finally finish the Reiji shirt. It's quite "form fitting", but it'll do. I've already got the pants; all I need now is the vest, which I can hopefully find at Wal-Mart when it opens next Wednesday. I'll also need to get puffy-paint from them, as no one in town carries it. I should be able to finish Chibi by the end of the week, and everything relating to that by next Thursday.
Oh yes, and a picture of Chibi from last night, before he was mutilated:
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Psychoanalyze |
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| 05:51pm 17/01/2005 |
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mood: cheerful music: Rammstein - Morgenstern
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Artistic stuff I have on the slab:
- Plush Chibisuke: almost done. In fact, I decided to take a break from making it and post here.
- OMGWTFLOL: concept done, not started.
- Fossi Giftart: not started.
- ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) vaporblue Giftart: not started; I'm not entirely certain what she wants.
- Sigma Phi Kappa IDs: started most, about 33% done.
- New short story: barely started; gotta get it done by Feb. 1 in order to get it into a contest. Concept complete, just no title and not fully finished.
I'm kinda hoping Wal-Mart opened today, so I can go there tomorrow after work and pick up a few things I'll need, such as a red t-shirt with a large white stripe at the top, and some puffy paint.
January 25-26 are the audition dates for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, the only musical I actually know all the lines of by heart. I will most surely audition, and hope for a bigger part; I'd rather not get one of the brothers or Jacob. If I could, Joseph would be nice (well duh, but it's unlikely), as would either the narrator (I know, it's a female role, but it's a cool role) or perhaps... I think it's Zebulon or something. He's one of the brothers, the only one I'd really like to play, and he's the one who leads "Zose Canan Days" - best song in the musical not sung by either Joseph or the narrator.
And now, for the autobiography part of this entry.
The circumstances surrounding my birth weren't what one might consider "normal", but then again, what ever has been in my life. My parents had just gotten married the previous year - January 19, 1984, if I remember correctly - and were quite young - my mother had just turned 20, and my father was 21. It wasn't certain whether I'd be a boy or a girl. My mother wasn't sure what she wanted my name to be, but my father wanted to name me something like Helga or Olivia if I were to be a girl - he loves Norse names. Anyway, my mother had a dream while she was pregnant with me, in which she had a little boy named Grady. When I was born, the name stuck.
I was born a little late. I'm not really sure when I was due, but my birth date fell on March 21, 1985 at 9:47 AM, at Fort Hamilton-Hughes Memorial Hospital in Hamilton, OH.
The rest of my life up until I was about three is a complete blur - I can't even remember my first sister's birth. Apparently, I was able to read before I was two years old, and thus took the time to read to my oldest sister when she was born and old enough for my parents to let me.
More to come in later posts. |
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1 attempt - Psychoanalyze |
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| Introduction |
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| 02:03pm 17/01/2005 |
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mood: chipper music: Evanescence - Imaginary
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Hello. If you are here, then either you chose to view a random journal, or decided to see if you can dicepher what makes me tick. Have fun, either way.
And with that, I do hearby kick open the door to this establishment and declare it officially open for business! |
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Psychoanalyze |
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